Guiding Principles for Parenting Your Gifted and 2e Child
by Guest Blogger Dr. Danika Maddocks
Our guest blogger, Dr. Danika Maddocks is a psychologist and parent coach. She founded The Gifted Learning Lab where she helps parents feel more confident raising their intense gifted and twice-exceptional kids. Danika has supported gifted and twice-exceptional families for over 15 years as a teacher, researcher, therapist, and parent coach. As a former gifted kid who’s raising an intense gifted preschooler, Danika strives to make parents’ lives easier and helps gifted and twice-exceptional families thrive.
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Parenting a Gifted/2E Child in San Francisco, Berkeley and Beyond Requires a Unique Approach
If you’re parenting a gifted/2E (twice-exceptional) kid, you likely notice that traditional parenting advice doesn’t always fit your family. Many parents of gifted/2e kids find that typical parenting strategies upset their kids or lead to power struggles. Or, the techniques simply fall flat because they feel too gimmicky or aren’t relevant to their kids’ needs.
In my work supporting gifted/2e families for over a dozen years, I’ve distilled a handful of guiding principles to help parents feel more confident raising their gifted/2e kids. These principles also help parents manage challenging parenting situations that come their way.
These principles originally stem from research. I’ve refined them through my therapy and coaching work with gifted/2e kids and families, as well as my personal experiences parenting an intense gifted preschooler.
In this blog post, I’ll share three of these guiding principles you can use in your home right away – expand autonomy; incorporate interests; and provide support for challenges.
#1 Expand autonomy
Gifted and 2e kids crave autonomy. In other words, they like to do things their own way and often figure out creative, idiosyncratic approaches to daily tasks and large problems.
Some gifted/2e kids need autonomy to stay regulated and engaged. Thus, these kids instinctually push back on requests, demands, and limits as a way to protect their autonomy, integrity, and sense of safety.
By offering gifted/2e kids plenty of autonomy in their daily lives, you can work with this natural strength and foster your child’s intrinsic motivation and well-being.
Flexibility supports autonomy
One simple way to offer more autonomy is to embrace flexibility. The more flexible you can be, the more autonomous your child will feel.
When your child feels happy and regulated, flexibility allows you to follow their lead and explore their interests and preferences. Flexibility also helps in stressful moments because it gives your child permission to approach a tricky task in whatever way works best for them.
How to practice flexibility
To practice flexibility, you might identify your most important goal in the moment. Can you postpone or realign the goal to your child’s motivation? While the goal itself may not be flexible, can you be flexible about how the goal is achieved?
Let’s say,for example, you want your child to brush their teeth, but your child resists. Can your child wait to brush their teeth until later? If not, could you be flexible about where or how they brush their teeth? Some kids who refuse to brush their teeth at the sink willingly brush while sitting on top of the counter, lying in their bed, watching TV, or cuddling with a parent.
#2 Incorporate interests
Gifted and 2e kids often have strong, passionate interests. Engaging with these interests provides a huge source of well-being.
Parents often lose sight of their child’s interests when their child is struggling. If your child is struggling, you may find yourself over-focused on the areas where your child needs help. But the more you can incorporate your child’s interests into their lives, the more time they’ll spend engaged, curious, and happy. For many gifted and twice-exceptional kids, time spent pursuing passions and doing what they enjoy lifts their mood and builds their capacity to tackle other challenges.
Opportunities for exploration in the San Francisco Bay Area
Museums and paid classes offer great opportunities to explore interests. Cal Academy of Sciences offers a number of youth programs for budding scientists. Or, try blending math with engineering and computer programming through First Robotics in San Francisco or Barcbots in Berkeley. Your child could pursue a passion for writing through the Berkeley Bay Area Writing Project or afterschool and weekend writing programs at 826 Valencia in San Francisco.
Additionally, low-cost and free experiences in the community or through community organizations abound. For example, if your child loves transportation or maps, you could ride BART to the San Francisco Airport, or take MUNI to visit the Cable Car Museum. Explore the arts with your child through the monthly free museum days or a free “Discover and Go” pass available through multiple San Francisco Bay Area public libraries. If your child enjoys Pokemon, you could play Pokemon Go around your neighborhood or in different areas when you run errands or commute to school.
Interests in everyday activities
Incorporating your child’s interests into tricky tasks can make these tasks easier for your child to complete. For example, many parents find the morning and bedtime routine stressful. , Talking about your child’s interests or incorporating a favorite activity into the routine can make these tasks more motivating and enjoyable. Your child gets to focus on a passion like ornithology, anime, or greek mythology while completing the routine more easily. And you may learn something in the process!
#3 Provide support for challenges
Many parents feel confused about how much support to offer their gifted/2e child. You may have noticed that your child masters difficult skills or information easily yet struggles with seemingly simple tasks like brushing their teeth or getting ready for the day.
When to provide support
Here are some signs your gifted/2e child may need more support –
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- Your child tells you they dislike a task or that it’s too hard (even if the task seems simple to you)
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- Your child can’t complete a task independently
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- Your child becomes upset about a certain task, or tries to delay or avoid it (e.g., showering, doing homework)
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- Your child seems inconsistent in their capabilities – they do something easily one day but not the next
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- You and your child frequently argue or get stuck in a power struggle about a task
If your gifted kid struggles with something you think they “should” be able to do, consider the possibility that some aspect of the situation is truly difficult for them.
Where challenges come from
Many twice-exceptional kids have differences in executive functioning, sensory processing, or information processing that make daily tasks difficult or stressful. As a result, the morning or evening routine, hygiene tasks, meal times, transitions, and homework time can overwhelm gifted/2e kids.
Ways to support your child
Stay curious about your child’s capacity. What can they truly manage independently or handle without becoming distressed? If you suspect something is difficult for them, you can offer support. Here are some options to support your child:
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- Reduce demands – simplify their tasks or let them do the tasks less often
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- Support executive functioning – help them start a task, break a big task into chunks, or guide them through the most difficult parts of the routine
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- Provide sensory-friendly belongings – a softer toothbrush, seamless clothes, a weighted blanket, and/or ear protection for school might helps kids feel calmer and less stimulated
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- Provide hands-on help with difficult tasks or situations – help them gather belongings for school, put on their pajamas, or draft an essay
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- Get professional help — finding an experienced occupational therapist, talk therapist, tutor, or parent coach to guide you in supporting your child
Conclusion
I hope these guiding principles provide a helpful framework for raising your gifted/2e child and for approaching difficult situations. Although these principles apply to any gifted/2e child, there are countless ways to put each principle into practice. Thus, each family will apply these principles in unique ways.
If you’d like more parenting ideas and practical tips, sign up for Danika’s weekly emails, Gifted Lab Notes, or check out her free 5-day email mini course, Reduce Power Struggles with Your Gifted/2e Kid. Danika also offers more in-depth parenting support through her 8-week group coaching program, Support Your Intense Gifted/2e Kid.
Find Support for Your Child in San Francisco or Berkeley, CA
For parents who need more information about their child, our team of psychologists at Mind Matters can help. We know that every child’s life experiences are different. That’s why we offer a range of services to help better support and understand your child. We offer standalone IQ Testing for children and adolescents applying to gifted programs and schools. Our comprehensive psychoeducational evaluations provide a much broader look at your child’s strengths and relative challenges, and help you map out a plan to support your child. Alternatively, neurodevelopmental screenings provide a very focused look at one particular area of your child’s profile. Not sure which service you need? Schedule a parent guidance consultation to help you identify next steps.
To schedule any of these services:
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- Message our Client Care Coordinator so she can get to know more about you and your child, answer any questions, and help you find the right match. Or, call use at 415-598-8378.
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- Explore our services & compassionate psychologists.
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- Schedule a parent guidance consultation via telehealth or work with us at one of our testing locations in San Francisco or Berkeley, CA.